"I had to establish that I wasn't going to negotiate with him the way everybody else in his life does."

-- the Dog guru guy regarding Beefy, the dog who gets separation anxiety when away from his owner, and will only walk with his owner's wife if she's carrying a gigantic fitness ball on Dogs in the City. This is BASICALLY the biggest, brightest light in my life today.

FOR SURE RECOMMENDED.

I've totally been hiding from my (vexing!) life by writing Patrick Kane's trials and tribulations with having a big cock. Or, more specifically, with Jonathan Toews being really, really okay with it. (More info on these efforts can be found over at honeyrue's entry, as she has traveled this fraught journey with me, along with a really stellar selection of pictures.)

I'm pretty sure it's a physical, tangible manifestation that I'm losing it due to, you know, stress and Reasons, but I've made my peace with the situation. I wrote 10K in less than a week of this, and I think it's going to go out to beta tomorrow. I never actually intended to write it, but it was like - you find a premise and you just realize, you have a lot of things to say? I apparently had a lot of things to say about Kaner having a huge dick, and I judge myself way more harshly for that than you ever could, etc.

It takes a village! I didn't have the time to respond to all of your A++ comments on the subject, but your thoughts were inspirational re: the pivotal dildo question, and I thank you for your generous, uh, contributions.

This has been an exceptionally stressful/ridiculous/strange/terrible week. I will tell you more about it when I see how it all shakes out. Don't you hate it when you're making decisions that are either going to fuck you over for the foreseeable future, or make your life kind of really awesome, and you won't know how it turns out until it's all in the rearview mirror? YEAH ME TOO.

Like, to put it in perspective, I totally fell down half a flight of stairs today (it was very slippery carpet and very worn sandals, a terrible combination.) I fell on my ass, broke my fall with my hand, and now my back is doing this thing where it's telling me that since I wasn't kind to it, it is not going to be kind to me, so I am really breathless in anticipation, and it really hurts to sit/move? I even cried in front of the guy I was with and had to promptly brace myself against a wall to get my will to move back while he was freaking out. And yet, this is not even the worst part of my week, not by a long shot.

Anyway, tonight, I am eating a Five Guys burger, drinking mountain dew, betaing liketheroad's 50K story of CANADA amazingness (uhhhh I don't know what it says about me that I learned more about Canada from reading this story than I have in like, 5 years?) and HIDING from everything else until tomorrow.

LJ hockey compatriots, I have a Very Serious Question that I'm asking for...reasons.

If Jonathan Toews needed to buy dildos (like, several), would he go into a shop so that he could discuss his, ah, needs with the worker there (after researching online, but he wants that personal touch)? He could wear glasses and a hat so that people aren't eying the Captain buying you know, several.

Or would he research it online and just buy online.

Like, if the rest of his SEXUAL and ROMANTIC FUTURE was going to be determined by getting this dildo question exactly right, which way would he think would get him the best Results? I'm just--I'm trying to picture him in a sex toy shop, and my brain is both saying a) does not compute and b) WANT, so.

Poll #1842188
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 69

Call it!

Ugh, I am an emotional wreck tonight.

(House finale spoiler) This actually happened on House tonight and...okay, I never really watched incredible amounts of House, but I still sobbed like a wretch during this episode. (And I don't think I even liked the episode itself all that much! I'm not sure yet though.)

I also sobbed during Kristin Wiig's send-off - and I mean, I also don't really care about Kristin Wiig all that much either? It was just really beautiful and she was clearly trying not to sob over everyone, and the song was gorgeous. I was also kind of busy watching Jason Sudekis clearly trying to either not kill everybody (he's apparently done with the show too and isn't getting a send-off where he gets to dance with everyone), or, break down into manly sobbing tears. I honestly think it's the latter, because you can see him take a couple of deep breaths and he clasps her tight, and stands in the back, not clapping or singing, but just looking really wrecked before he...you know, walks off.

So yeah. There was crying there too. SO MANY EMOTIONS for things I normally...don't legitimately emotionally invest in. Strange.

Today was an unexpected day off due to NATO, but I had some work stuff to do anyway from home and couldn't sleep in. I did a little bit of writing, made chicken and pasta, watched soap operas, danced around, took a walk, and am now doing laundry, so a nice day off.

I'm now eying this, because a "Restorative Respite in the Heartland" sounds quite lovely, thank you, livingsocial! (If any Chicagoans are interested in maybe...doing that, that could be a mild mini-adventure, so let me know.)

This has been a good fannish weekend - last night, thehoyden came over and after experimenting around with dough and cheeses, we watched the entirety of the Blackhawks Cup DVD, featuring Kaner actually looking respectable during the draft (I was expecting an unruly mop of curls) and Tazer looking, well, like he just came fresh from killing someone, so pretty normal. Then we ate cookies, sat around on my couch and brainstormed about her awesome hockey story for an hour, and she returned home with four pages of handwritten notes of goodness, so, exciting! After she left, I was all on a creative high, so I managed to write a bit in a couple of my own ridiculous works in progress - I like productive fannish evenings.

This afternoon, shrift, talitha78 and I walked down to take in some protesting from afar, and then went to...you know, Battleship?

Here's the thing. It's a comedy. If you go in understanding that this movie is, in fact, a comedy, you'll be fine. All three of us were pretty excited to see a ridiculously over the top bad movie because we'd been brainwashed by all the trailers.

...and I actually REALLY LIKED IT. I laughed so hard that I cried twice. Full on tears streaming down my cheeks. And Taylor Kitsch is extremely attractive in this. 'sall good.

Deep Thoughts for today, I totally have them:

1 - I'm really in love with the new J Lo song, Dance Again. However, Pitbull is confusing me. He has this lyric where he goes:

Dance, Yes
Love, Next
Dance, Yes
Love, Next

And I'm just - what does he mean? Does he mean that love is next? After the dancing takes place? Or does he mean that, he says yes to the dancing, but if she wants love, he's moving right along? Ugh, it's all so deep, I don't know.

2 - If you put Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane together, you almost have a normal person. No. Really. Think about it. Just....smush their personalities together. That's almost a balanced individual, right?

3 - I have been regaling seperis with tales of Chicago's Adventures with NATO (I almost walked into a dude with a rifle! We had a nice conversation. Yesterday I saw secret service agents! My coworkers are saddened by our office being open! It's all very dramatic.) Anyway, so when providing a status update this morning, my email was this:

No, the trains had...people on them this morning. I did not anticipate that! My coworkers and I thought it'd just be us having the trains to ourselves. But I did have the seat to myself all the way to Fullerton, which NEVER happens, so that was exciting.

And there was a dude in a mask just reading through the paper, but he had a Pikachu backpack, so I was like, whatever.

The nurses are starting off the 'big' protests today around Daley Plaza, so we'll see if they get feisty.

My fellow Chicagoans - here is a map of all the planned protests. Basically, if you want to protest something (or...avoid wandering into a protest), there is an event for it. I love the organization of it all.

4 - I have been having conversations with liketheroad about stargazing, for Reasons, and so I bought a new copy of this and it is just as awesome as I remembered. Heartily recommended if you have any interest in stargazing at all.

5 - I also bought this, because...who doesn't want to hear more about Russian Superleagues?

6 - I'm reading Drift, Rachel Maddow's new book? And somehow...I don't know, but she manages to make Reagan more terrifying than I have ever seen put into printed word, just through her casual wording of everything. I've read through the bare facts on the stuff he did in various classes and whatever, but it never really jelled for me what a freaking nutjob he was and how amazing it was that we came through it...you know, as okay as we did? (And by "okay", I mostly mean...you know, geographically intact, etc.?) GO AMERICA, etc. (and the rest of the world, sorry)

7 - it's FRIDAY. This has been probably one of the more insane workweeks I have ever seen. It was to the point where yesterday, my boss basically clapped when I walked in the door, because help had arrived. I am procrastinating on doing actual work by writing this post, so...you should tell me things! About your weekend plans! Or how you're surviving NATO! Or hockey things! And help me be an even more unproductive work, because trust me, I have earned a lapse.

There was a car driving down the alley just now, with a bunch of guys singing/screaming the lyrics to "You Don't Know You're Beautiful" all earnestly. I was in a cupcake shop a couple weeks back and we all sang some Bieber and some "Call Me Maybe" - I like random sing-alongs, okay?! They should happen more often. I heard from my last massage therapist that there's some--dancing exercise class where it's women-only, and they put on a bunch of random music, and you just--dance, for an hour or something and silently bond over the fact that you're ignoring everyone else. I think I'm going to track that down.

But, yeah, it's about time my alley gives me something good. Normally it's just weird fights and some guy who randomly likes to move the dumpsters (no, I don't know why.)

Up to 3,000 words in pretending to be gay for home_ice. It even has a summary - "Jonathan Toews takes the wheel." God whyyyyyy are you making me write this, Patrick Kane.

I have a delicious eclair, the headache I've had for three days went away for two hours today (okay, it came back, but it totally went away for a little bit!) aaaand I somehow have 1000 words and counting in the "pretending they're dating" story that literally beat the other three options combined in the poll voting of my last post. This is the first story I've ever written where I'm kind of worried I'll offend people by...making light of something that I'm not trying to make light of!? I guess we'll find out if shunning occurs, etc.

Tomorrow, I have a class where I will learn about wine (I don't even really like wine, but I like knowing things, so) and I think I'm going to wander around until cupcakes happen.

Life, basically? Could be worse.

In order to celebrate home_ice getting 100 watchers in 24 hours, I think I'm actually going to...write for my own challenge?! (I have a strict rule that I don't participate in a challenge I run ever. I didn't learn that the hard way or anything, clearly.)

ANYWAY, I want to take a little break from mpreg, and try some Kane/Toews...something. You pick what you'd like to read!

Poll #1839532
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 98

What should Madelyn attempt for home_ice?

It's been years since I created/helped to create a community, but no worries, that situation has been well and truly rectified.

Hockey fandom, I don't know if you've noticed, but we sort of lack a spot for hilarious and awesome challenges to participate in. (We're doing great on the fic announcements/general discussions venues though!) It's a kinda small fandom, with a lot of people who don't know each other, and/or a lot of new people who are coming in, so liketheroad, mockturtletale and I thought a community where we had fun shenanigans might not go amiss. There are SO MANY EXCELLENT things happening in this fandom, but we want to bring all those creative energies together and see even more EXCELLENT things (tm: Madelyn).

We're starting out with a (hopefully!) universally appealing challenge: a Clichefest, because, uh, it might have escaped you but:

1 - Hockey fandom's kind of gotten a rep as a haven for All the Cliches, and let's face it - it's a great reputation to have.
2 - There can't be enough of a good thing (no, really, it's true) - so we feel like it's fitting to start out inviting YET MORE CLICHES.
3 - I really, really like cliches, but that is neither here nor there, I suppose.

TINY EXAMPLES OF THE MAJESTY WE COULD PERPETUATE (and note, vidders and artists should come play too! We want everybody!):

♥ - Duncs and Seabs wake up married - somewhere, perhaps a pigeon is surprised by this.

♥ - Brooks Laich and Mike Green aren't dating. This is news to everyone except them.

♥ - Tyler Seguin's got sex magic. But will he share?

♥ - Kelser/Ladd Indecent Proposal fic

Sooooo, yeah. I'm never going to be able to make a better case than this, so you should probably just join home_ice already. More info about our Clichefest can be found RIGHT HERE.

We're so open to any suggestions you might have for fun things for us all to do, or challenge ideas or what have you, so if you have any of those, let us know!

♥ - Thanks to the lovely dexwebster and Kellyhope for all of their awesome work on our graphics! GREATLY APPRECIATED. :D

I'm honestly laughing so hard that I'm crying.

I thought, okay, Patrick Kane's having his yearly pre-hibernation party time, whatever. It'll be over soon; I'll cope in the meantime.

But then honeyrue linked me to Jonathan Toews, modeling clothing for Jamal Mayers' clothing line. I am actually anonymising that link because I am so embarrassed for everybody here.

I don't even, I--I'm too overwhelmed. The fact that there is a clothing line to model for, or the fact that Jonathan Toews is--is doing this, I really...okay, I can't put it any better than honeyrue did: Actually though, the photos are for Jamal Mayers' new clothing line, which is both adorable and really fucking inexplicable. Like, Mayer's really had to think over who out of his teammates he was going to ask to represent his line, and he chose to select Jonathan Toews, for what, his healthy interest in fashion? His unbelievably uncomfortable empty stare, which, when photographically rendered, only becomes even more uncomfortable and empty? For real though, dude, what was the logic here? And also, the line is called "Champagne & Caviar" because, I guess, like the color black, both those things embody class and elegance? UGHHH GOD, I GIVE UP. HOCKEY PLAYERS.

WELL I GIVE UP TOO. SO I PUT IT TO YOU, LIVEJOURNAL.

ETA: there's a twitter: toews is an amazing Model!! May have missed his calling in life!@jamalmayers is a natural Model also#bestdressedinthenhl

honeyrue: Haa I just searched his name but the whole list is retweets of: Jonathan Toews, you're an excellent hockey player but a terrible model. DYING. What if he took this as a CHALLENGE, Madelyn. What if he read all of these and took is as constructive criticism realized, he just HAS TO DO IT AGAIN, AND BETTER. JONATHAN TOEWS CAN FUCKING OUTMODEL YOU IF HE WANTS. COME THE FUCK AT HIM, JESSICA STAM.

Poll #1839012 Life Choices
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 60

Who is making poorer life choices in this offseason?

Ahahaha, I am off for the THIRD Avengers showing in 24 hours (JE NE REGRETTE RIEN) but before I go, I have a PSA of the UTMOST importance.

smithereen has started publicly posting her FANTASTIC Hooker!Tazer AU (still a work in progress, but 25K is now posted), and anybody who likes good stories should read it. (Note that I did not say good "hockey" stories, because you should read this regardless.)

This story is so, so well-written, and her Kaner characterization/voice speaks to my heart, and then there all all of the moments where you sort of clasp your hands and go, god, Johnny, and then there's the moment where Sharpy touches Kaner in front of Tazer and you think he's about to get shanked, and oh, so much excellence.

Summary: This is the one where Toews is not that good at being a hooker, and Kaner is very bad at buying sex. Set during what would have been the Blackhawks' Stanley Cup season.

(Madelyn's note: both halves of that first sentence are basically EXTREME UNDERSTATEMENTS okay.)

Excerpt: It's not like Kaner has nothing to offer. He has a kickass apartment, some really boss TVs and a pretty great car. He has a fucking Olympic gold medal for fuck's sake. That should be enough to make at least one or two pairs of panties drop. Hell, they had a goddamn condom shortage going on at the Village, and there he was, an Olympic hero. He should've had ladies all over him. But no, he left Vancouver without getting so much as a handy.

It's enough to give a guy a complex.

It's kind of telling how much this story, like - satisfies my soul. (JE NE REGRETTE RIEN PART DEUX of this post.) So, yeah. Do this thing: Julia Roberts Sits on a Throne of Lies, read your warnings, etc.

PS: Suck it, Canada - no gold medal for you while Tazer's off bein' a hooker!

PPS: I totally owe several of you excellent people emails. It's been like, all getting to Avengers on CTA or watching Avengers, or eating out in anticipation of Avengers, but I solemnly swear, I will address my inbox soon, etc. sorryyyyyy

So, I've been saving my 2,500th post for AVENGERS reaction, 'cause an epic movie deserves um...commemoration or something. Whatever, my LJ profile tells me this will be 2,500 posts now, so I'm mostly just wondering what I've been doing with my life, etc.

ANYWAY LET'S TALK ABOUT AVENGERS, which I saw twice today with excellent fangirls such as shrift, frostfire_17, thehoyden, beet, talitha78 and sparky77 - once at midnight, once a couple hours ago. I'll give everyone an outside the cut-tag a heads up and tell you that in the U.S., there are two end scenes - one after the initial credits, and one after the full credits, and UGH GOD I WOULD WATCH AN ENTIRE MOVIE ABOUT THAT LAST ONE, and I guess we'll actually SEE an entire movie about the first one, so fuck yeah to everything.

The second showing just made me go ( AVENGERS )

Now I'm gonna go wander around lookin' for some soulbonding, because I think it's what I need in life. Also, it's my 2500th post so I'll read soulbonding if I want to.

...it would probably be bad to see it a third time this weekend. I--hmm.

I'm making pancakes for dinner, and it is all this story's fault.

i get a good feeling that i never had before, no no by forochel

Ignore the author's EGREGIOUS DISRESPECT FOR AWESOME CAPITAL LETTERS. This was ridiculously hot - Johnny likes carrying Kaner around and liking it (hey, I like that too)

Summary: kaner gets turned into a girl in the aftermath of game 6.

me in an email: "it takes their minds off the loss okay! like, who the fuck can break down over that when they have this problem to solve. right here."

and solve it they do. they solve it hard. everywhere. all day long.

I like it when they problem-solve. I don't think there's any problem that these guys could not solve. WHERE ARE THE DETECTIVE AUs, is the only question I really have.

Ugh, I feel so out of the loop! Sometimes I get sad that there's a lack of the really whacked out wanks in fandom anymore - something where you can just watch kind of wide eyed, all Michael Jackson popcorn .gif, you know? Probably because I am a terrible person, etc.

So how did I miss THIS?
Answer: Probably 'cause it's Twilight fandom.
See also: more background here.
And wendy has some story discussion here.
ETA: Forgot to link to Ellen doing a hilarious "reading"

seperis: I loathe people
...not that I do not find this awesome
svmadelyn: yes!
seperis: It's just--gah
OH MY GOD THERE IS IP SNOOPING
THIS IS SO PERFECT
svmadelyn: I KNOW
IT HAS ALL OF THE REQUIRED WANKERY.
seperis: I AM IN LOVE LIKE WHOA
svmadelyn: it's like 1 2 3 4
BURN THOSE BRIDGES IN FUCKING STYLE MA'AM
seperis: GOD I KNOW
svmadelyn: talk about your fannish idols
seperis: I don't even have words.
blank
svmadelyn: I feel so amazed that I missed all of this
I mean, I saw NOTHING
seperis: I KNOW WHAT THE HELL.
svmadelyn: A REAL LIFE FRIEND
MENTIONED IT
ONE OF MY CLIENTS
when we were at Snow Patrol last weekend
she was like, have you read that Fifty Shades of Grey story?
she knows NOTHING ABOUT FANFIC
and so I was like, huh, downloaded it
started reading it today
was AMAZED because I was like, this was TWILIGHT FANFIC
I knew it from the first page in
one second of googling brought me to the answer that it used to be Masters of The Universe
and here we are.

And now, if you will excuse me, thehoyden informs me that zarathuse is now writing hockey, so I need to uh, go do that.

There's nothing like spending several days silently fuming at livejournal for withholding comments (about hockey, which should clearly never be interfered with), and then finally deciding that everyone else seems to be able to see their comments, so for a change, maybe it's actually just you, and then looking at the support queue, following the suggestions there, and then discovering you had somehow managed to mark LiveJournal as a source of spam, so thereeee would be dozens of your comments about hockey.

Not naming names, but hey, just something to keep in mind if that should ever happen to you. I've never actually had it not be LJ's fault - unsettling!

I'm totally a masochist, so I was reading through a lot of terrible comments about how trading Kaner is clearly our best option, which, um. Twitch, homicide, etc. Hilariously, I found myself thinking that - I don't defriend when I disagree with anybody's position, for the most part, but I had some weird daydream about someone saying to trade Kaner on my flist and then I immediately defriended them??? IDK, this is just not the topic to fuck around with here. You can talk about politics that I disagree with until I'm blue in the face, but this is apparently MY LINE IN THE SAND. So I appreciated Bowman's comments on one Mr. Kane. See also, beyondtheclouds' post, here.

ANYWAY. I want to talk about awesome fannish things, like STORIES. I know there's a virgin!Tazer in the works, a Unicorn!Kaner, a Crossroads Demon!Kaner, a Veela!Kaner, and there's my own VeryPregnant!Kaner, so I'd love to know what anyone else out there is currently working on. Or if you are in need of IDEAS, by gum, I can help. Help me help you. We should have a big encouragement session or something here, because I wanna see all these beautiful things finish.

Post summaries or snippets or whatever you want in the comments! I'm doing super terrible things at work, I promise you, I will not be difficult to please at all. (And other hockey pairings welcome! God knows I don't fight the babysitter Jeffs of the world here.)

Another wretched day at work, but at least this one was redeemed by the entirety of frat boys Tazer and Kaner getting posted - Don't Taze Me, Bro by staraflur.

I gotta start out by saying that I wasn't really sure about this one during the first chapter, but by the end of the second, I was totally salivating for more. So in case you have that reaction, UH, PREPARE FOR EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT. Features serious frat President Tazer and his trusty VP of party planning, one Patrick Kane. Hilarious!

Okay, so a Kanye West party wasn’t exactly his A game, but it was just a practice run. Now he knows what he’s doing. He’s even learned to delegate. And he’s already thinking about what to do for next month. Jonny’s not gonna be able to distract him just by pouring a shot into his mouth.

Jesus, what if someone has a video of Jonny pouring a shot into his mouth?

Vigilant, he keeps facebook open in a tab all weekend.

BESTEST.

PS: I'm pretty sure that in some weird, terrible mirror verse, a hockey game took place last night, but the only thing that happened to ME yesterday was that sparky77 finally saw the light and decided to start writing Veela!Kaner.